Transparency

Hi. Remember me?? Yes, I realize that I haven’t written in a while, a very long while to be exact… and for this, I apologize.

I’m not sure that anyone even reads these things, but I do like to have a place where I can vent my thoughts. I keep a private journal, just Me and God, but it has just been that, until recently, I have had an extremely hard time actually sharing any of those thoughts with others.

You see, when things go downhill, I’m a bottler. I keep everything inside. My emotions, my thoughts, my EVERYTHING.

Because when I store it up, I can spend just a few hours pretending that it’s not happening.

Because when I keep it to myself, I’m not vulnerable to being hurt or betrayed.

Because I have had this completely skewed perception that being a “good Christian” meant putting on a happy front and keeping everyone at an arms distance.

Because I felt that sharing my burdens with others was just a hindrance to them.

Because I have bought into the lies for far too long.

But tonight, I have something to say.

THIS year has been the absolute worst year of my life. For so many reasons that I can’t even begin to explain. Many of you already think that I’m being dramatic… and perhaps I AM blowing things a little out of proportion, because I realize that a lot of people have it a whole lot worse than myself. But if you knew all of the gritty details, I promise you would agree that this year has been pretty stinking tough.

However, if I were to tell this to the average Joe that I come in contact with on a day-to-day basis, they would just laugh at me, because I have become a positively incredible actress. Like, I should get a Grammy for the part I’ve been playing. Most people are like “Oh, Molly Bowman? That girl has it perfect.” Honestly, most of my very closest friends don’t even know the entirety of it all…

I’m not going to go into all of the tedious details right now, because that is a lot of healing for one night, but I will share a few of them with you over the next few weeks. A month ago, I would have thought I was crazy for sharing such things with people, anybody. But recently God has taught be a very important lesson.

You see, I have learned that there is one extremely crucial part of being influential for Christ:

Transparency.

Without it, you are useless. It is an essential ingredient for your life in order for God to use you to the greatest extent in which He is able. Without transparency, you are just another fake, another phony, another actor playing the part.

Please don’t misunderstand me… I’m not saying that the JOY I have had in Christ has not been genuine, because if anything has been stable in my life over the course of the past year, it’s my Heavenly Father. Those sweet moments spent with Him have never been sweeter. And I have learned to trust in Him despite ALL circumstances (which may, in itself, be worth all of this craziness I have gone through). It’s just that we aren’t called to put on a face of false perfection.

I love that place in 2 Corinthians where it talks about how His power is made perfect in our weaknesses, that He is made apparent in our shortcomings. That is why we MUST be transparent… For HIS glory. He has not called us to be perfect, He has called us to be redeemed!

And all of the lessons we have learned through situations in life and all of the times that God alone has pulled us through, those times are meant to be shared. He can be glorified through our hurts, and if we allow Him, He can make even the darkest times of our lives into something absolutely beautiful.

It never fails, does it?? It’s always the nights when I need sleep the most, like a night before a huge basketball game, or in this case, a final exam, when it seems like I just cannot get to sleep... but at the same time, I wouldn’t trade these nights for the world. Maybe it’s just something that God wired into my system when He created me, just that every so often I have a night where I just lay in bed and think and talk to Him... and that’s all I’ve been doing tonight lol. I think of them as my “Goodnight Kisses from God” (thus the name of the blog). They are just sweet moments which allow me to reflect on the love of my God and who He is. It’s nice to sit and write about it, and get my thoughts out of my head before they somewhat make my head explode, and I don’t know if anyone even reads these, but I will try my hardest not to bore you. lol.

Tonight I’ve kind of been thinking about “life”. Simple isn’t it? Haha but not really.. I mean, I’m not speaking of just like the time we are given on earth, but actual LIVING. like I take more pictures than just about anybody I know… and the whole point is to capture a moment, but still, you can’t capture “living”. For example, sometimes I wish I could take a picture of… October. Haha I know that sounds weird, but think about it... The world seems to erupt about that time of year- the trees go crazy, changing into all different colors of gorgeous oranges, reds and yellows… apple cider and football games and huge orange pumpkins. And you can take all the pictures you want, but that feeling, that life and emotion and peace, cannot be captured in ANY photo.

But then that makes me wonder how much of living have I already missed out on… I love being involved with anything and everything, that’s just how I am, and I do it because I don’t want to miss out on anything, but then I get so caught up in the busyness that I end up missing out on a lot of just, living. I forget to capture the moment and put it to use, but instead, I roam through life like a preprogrammed robotic, just doing enough to get through the day… and I’m not saying that busyness is necessarily wrong… because like filling our time with stuff that matters to us and activities God has created us to enjoy can be a good thing, but then there’s still that place in psalm where it says “be still and know that I am God”…BE STILL... Sometimes that’s the hardest thing for me to do. Maybe that’s why He made a few nights like these where it’s absolutely impossible for me to go to sleep, because then I have no choice but to “be still and know”.

I love that God likes my whole life, like He’s not just around when I’m doing church stuff... He’s into all the details of me. We can give Him glory through every little bit of it, but I still think that He wants to give me something in these few quiet, sleepless minutes.. I don’t know, but maybe its just Him whispering a promise to me… you know? Letting me know that at the end of the day, when everything else in life stops and nothing is left, He is still there, and He is the same as He was when I woke up that morning... and that, I love. :)